Feats with My Teats

If Xtreme Nursing were an Olympic sport, I very well may take home the gold. No, I don’t mean Extreme Nursing, like the kind where a mom breastfeeds her child until she’s old enough to fill out her college applications. I mean Xtreme, like wild and creative. Tonight, I tried one that I do not understand why I never thought to try before. I will certainly keep this trick up my sleeve for future use.

My 5 month does not sleep. I mean this boy is wide awake all hours of the day, unless I am lying beside him in my bed and my nipple is within a 1 inch radius of his mouth. I am not permitted to roll onto my back, scratch my butt, or do anything else that would prohibit him from having complete access to my mam And yes, I call it “The Mam” because as my husband ever so eloquently pointed out a few months back, “Those haven’t been tits in a long time. They are full-fledged mammary glands.”

 I nursed my twins until they were 2 ½ years old and finally weaned them once I was two months pregnant with my third child. I expect to nurse him for as long his sisters did. And I am Ok with this. I made this decision and I know it is by far the best thing I can do for my children. However, when one is as sleep deprived as I am, and have been for 3 ½ years now, one can often be heard cursing at her spouse under her breath after be awakened for the 6^th time that night, “Damn you! Why can’t you have tits, too?”  I know that all mothers are tired, but being a mother of multiples adds a whole other layer to the level of tiredness.  And now, adding an infant into the mix, who also does not sleep, may very well drive me even further off the edge then I already was.

I have resorted to some pretty wild feats with my teats in order to get a hungry/tired/cranky child to calm down, which has resulted in an overall numbness for the past 3 ½ years due to over-suckage. My twins were, and still are, on the same feeding schedule since birth. Hence, they thoroughly enjoy simultaneously sitting on the same toilet, cheek to cheek, while pooping. And we have two bathrooms. I supposed their twin connection has created such a close bond that they feel completely comfortable doing their business with her sister’s stinky bum pressed up to her own. When they were infants I could often be seen jumping over the front passenger’s seat into the back of the moving car to TTTT—throw them the tit. Now I may have bigger boos, but I don’t have plastic tubing or PVC piping attached to my nipples, unfortunately.  So, ultimately, I would only be able to pacify one girl at a time. Inevitably, her sister would be shrieking from the car seat on my other side. My husband would eventually pull off the road and we would each take a baby so I could feed them at the same time. I would nurse one in my lap while my husband held the “flying baby.” Who’s ever turn it may have been would be held midair to meet the level of my boob. There must be a slew of people who have been lucky enough seen me completely topless with two adorable twins hanging off of my utters. I bet truckers got a real kick seeing the Queen’s mams while driving down the highway. Individuals at rest stops certainly got an eye full while peeking into our car parked at some truck stop off the highway. Oh well.

So tonight, in the attempt to get our son to sleep in his crib I decided it would be worth the effort to hang my teats over the crib railing and into his mouth while standing on my daughters’ pink and purple butterfly step stool. And, hey, it worked. He is currently sleeping. In his crib, nonetheless. I have not had to change his crib seats since bringing him home from the hospital. No need to, he doesn’t sleep in it. Except for tonight.  So I’ll take 30 minutes of him in his crib because he is usually attached to one of my double Ds for at least an hour by the time Double Jeopardy rolls around at 7:15. Every other night, I have to balance my handsome little butterball in one arm as he nurses away and I peck the keyboard with one measly finger in the attempt to catch up on my E-mails, read about the daily political scandals or the latest celebrity gossip. Not tonight, I get to use both hands. How liberated I feel! And it’s all because of a little acrobatics and my Xtreme nursing abilities.